Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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