im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my shit smells like andre
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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