Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
