Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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