I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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