Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize