I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
