I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
