There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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