Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
