My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
