Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize