he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
