a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize