dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
