Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
