Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
