He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
