Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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