just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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