Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
