just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
