Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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