who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
