the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize