The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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