i think my tv is drunk
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
