wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
