I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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