I can text with my tongue
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
