i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
