I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize