I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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