I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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