So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
