I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
