its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
