never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You pole danced in your parka.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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