Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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