People with herpes should wear stickers.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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