Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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