a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize