god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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