don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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