You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
