I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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