Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
