what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize