my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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