oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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