The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
