i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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