dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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