The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Less talking, more tequila
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
