i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize