I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
