Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
