I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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