I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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