Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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