Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You may now shotgun with the bride
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
